If only
by fiery red-haired girl
Summary: Abby's thoughts on her new life as a doctor. It's a potential carby. Post season 10 Drive. PG-13 just to be on the safe side. pls read and review
1. Prologue

A/N: this is just a lil something i wrote last night cuz i couldnt sleep. For now it's just a standalone but with potential to turn into something more. About my other fic, I'm keeping it on hiatus for a while cuz I wanna rewrite it. Thx for everyone who reviewed that first chapter. It meant a lot to me. and pls review this and tell me what u think. I'd really appreciate it. Now on with it.

_**If only...**_

I'm staring at the ceiling of my bedroom as I lie in my bed trying to get some sleep. I still can hardly believe it. I'm a doctor. Finally. Dr. Lockhart. I like the sound of that. My mind just can't shut itself for the night as a wave of happiness runs through my body. I did it. I actually finished med school after so many years of doubts and fears.

But one thing seems to be stuck in my mind mixed with this feelings of happiness and pride. One scene is playing over and over in my head and I just can't put it away. I've tried to think about something else but once I close my eyes there it is again. I'm screaming with joy and Carter comes up to me. And he tells me that he knew all along I could do it. I can see that he's proud of me as he gives me a small smile. But I know that under tough guy mask he's wearing, there is a crumbled man with a life with nothing but grief. His life was shattered. In a matter of minutes, it turned from his idea of a perfect life to a nightmare. I can see he's hurting. And it's only normal. The guy just lost his son. But the problem is, when he's hurting, I hurt. I can feel the pain he's going through. Not all the pain but seeing him moping around the hospital looking so miserable is enough to make me want to cry in pain. If only things had been different. If only I hadn't made those stupid mistakes. If only he hadn't gone to Africa and met that African bitch. But it's all in the past now. There's no going back. But I can't help but feel nothing but hatred towards this woman. Because in a way, it's her fault John is so miserable.

Kem. The African bitch. I hate her. She's everything I'm not. Maybe that's why he got together with her, because she's the exact opposite of me. I don't envy her. All I feel towards her is extreme dislike. If it weren't for her, Carter wouldn't be hurting like this. Maybe we could've given our relationship another go. Maybe I would be the one carrying his baby by now. Maybe we would have a future together. Maybe...

My body finally gives in and the last thing in my mind before I fall asleep is John Carter's sad eyes looking into mine, reading my soul like an open book, silently asking for help.


	2. Chapter 1

A/N: Ok, first of all, thank u guys so much for ur reviews... About the person that didn't like this story... well, I'm sorry then but I can't please everybody. If u don't like it, just don't read it.

About this chapter, I know it's short but I wrote it last night when I had a killer headache so I don't think its very good... but pls review and tell me what u think.

Chapter 1

I walk into the ambulance bay and my eyes soon meet a couple going into the hospital. As I get a bit closer, I see it's Carter and Kem. He has his arm around her shoulders, holding her close. I can feel an intense feeling building up inside of me. Who am I kidding? Of course I'm jealous! As much as I've tried to deny it, to get over him and move on, I just can't. Something stronger keeps pulling me back to him. I don't want to feel this anymore. I love him, I will always love him. I just want him to be happy. And if she's making him happy, I guess I'll just have to deal with that.

"Kinda makes you want a dose of Compazine, doesn't it?" someone says behind me. I turn around and see Susan holding little Ben. "I still don't know what he sees in her." She says shaking her head standing next to me.

"Yeah." It's all I can say for now. Ben recognizes my voice and shakes his little arms and legs trying to get to me. Susan hands me the fussy baby. I take the 3-month-old in my arms smiling down at him. "Hi, Ben. Did you want to see your aunt Abby?" I ask him in a baby voice. His little hand finds my finger and he holds onto it. Soon it's on his mouth and he's suckling happily on my knuckle. "I think he's hungry." I tell Susan but she just rolls her eyes at me.

"I just fed him a few minutes ago. He's just using your finger as a pacifier." She says grinning. "You like your auntie Abby, don't you sweetie?"

"What's he doing here anyway? I thought Chuck was gonna stay with him today." I say still looking down at the baby. And to think I had a chance to have a cute baby like that and I blew it.

"He is. He's gonna pick Ben up here. He had to stay over time, covering for a friend or something." Susan says as we walk to the hospital.

We go to the lounge and guess who's there. Exactly. Carter and _her._ Susan looks at me and we rolls our eyes at each other.

"Hi, Carter, Kem." She says nodding at them. I nod too. I don't trust myself enough to talk.

"Hi." He says with a sad smile. Damn, it hurts so much to see him like this.

We put our stuff in our lockers and head out to the admit desk, Susan and I giving Kem a cold stare on our way out. We didn't mean to but we just couldn't help it. Ben, still in my arms, gets tired of my finger and starts to cry. I hand him over to Susan who calms him down in an instant.

As we're standing at the admit, me to get my first chart of the day, and Susan waiting for Chuck, we overhear Kem talking to Carter.

"... and I don't think your friends like my being here." It's what we hear.

"Damn right we don't!" Susan and I mutter under our breaths. We realize it after a few seconds, look at each other and burst out laughing. Carter comes to us, alone this time.

"Good mood you two are in today..." he says grabbing a chart.

Only on the outside, Carter. Inside, I'm breaking as each day goes by. If he only knew...


End file.
